TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully away from area. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But yes, guaranteed, let's have An additional position in which American Adult males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you everyone a suite over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he really should halt making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You already know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from House, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is Trump Tower Damascus wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting attention from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will likely incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD can have switch-down services."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

Report this page